【Poor Things】

Dear parents,Poor Things

As you all know, fidget spinners are the extremely popular new toy built to ease anxiety in children and increase their focus. You also know that approximately one month ago we made the decision, along with several schools across the United States, to ban fidget spinners from the classroom and school grounds for being "too distracting."

We now deeply regret that decision.

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The day following the ban of fidget spinners, the children all brought in something called fidget cubes. And, like the spinners, the children quickly developed a robust trading economy with the cubes, which were (again, like the spinners) primarily used as weapons to throw at one another as hard as they could.

We are sure that you are all well aware that after three days, we sent a letter home banning fidget cubes.

We are so deeply, deeply sorry for doing this.

It is now clear that the fidget cubes ban only made way for "fidget scissors" -- a scissor toy with various gadgets and wheels on it that the children loved to throw high, high up into the air during recess. Sensing danger, we sent a letter home that day, banning fidget scissors from school grounds.

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Oh my, how we wish we could take back that letter.

Oh my, how we wish we could take back that letter.

You see, we assumed that a ban on fidget scissors would mark the end of this trend. Honestly, for a short time, it seemed like we were correct. That is, until a week later when Aiden Burke introduced the class to his "fidget ball" invention during show and tell.

At first, we were proud of Aiden's entrepreneurial spirit and the support shown by his classmates. We allowed Aiden to sell his toys for $1 during lunch, noting their soft exterior and general harmlessness.

When we found out that Aiden had made over $15,000 in two days, we began to realize the gravity of our mistake. It seems that after his first $200, Aiden paid a school security guard to take his invention to other schools and daycares in the area. Similar bans on fidget toys at those locations created what we now call a "fidget vortex" of demand for Aiden's toy, and he became extremely wealthy overnight.

As many of you know (thank you for your calls and emails), the children now refer to Aiden as "Don Aiden" and he is something of a crime boss amongst the third and fourth graders. All attempts to "ban" Aiden's now 40 varying fidget products have failed, as he seems to have the school security and many of the teachers on his payroll.

Don Aiden. Credit: mashable composite; shutterstock

Aiden now runs this school with an iron fist. Whatever he wants, he gets. For the last two weeks, we have had over 75 hours of recess. I am writing this memo in secret, hiding under my desk, using a candle as my only light and sending it to you with the last stamps I have.

This letter is a request -- a desperate, begging request -- to have your children PLEASE bring their fidget spinners back to school. It is the only way to stop Aiden, and the only way to regain control of East Lehigh Elementary.

We beg you: help us...

Sincerely,

Superintendent Knoblauch

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