【ass fucking movies】

Now that we've had some time to process Fantastic Beasts: The ass fucking moviesCrimes of Grindelwald, we couldn't help wondering: What about the crimes? We've talked about theories and canon and the promise/peril of franchise, but this movie is about literal crimes. Who committed them, whydid they commit them, and how severe were they?

To answer these burning questions, we got ourselves a copy of the original screenplay and combed through it to catalog ALL THE CRIMES.

SEE ALSO: Critics agree 'Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald' spells trouble for the franchise

16. A witch dating a No-Maj

Perpetrator: Queenie

This law sux tho.

15. Theft

Perpetrator: Niffler

To be fair, he stole Grindelwald's vial, which is a cool motive, but still illegal. Nifflers gonna niff.

14. Breaking and entering

Perpetrators: Jacob and Queenie

Jacob and Queenie enter Newt's home without any type of notice and therefore without his express permission.

13. Illegally harboring rare and/or dangerous creatures

Perpetrator: Newt

Listen I can't prove it, but there is no way Newt's whole basement menagerie is legal. A kelpie is a XXXX classified magical creature which means it should be handled only by trained professionals. While Newt may be qualified, his history with the law suggests he does not have clearance for kelpie custody.

12. Destruction of public property

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

Perpetrator: Credence, Newt

It's not Credence's fault that he's an Obscurial whose magic can burst forth and cause massive destruction at any moment...but also, it kind of is! He's more in control of his Obscurus in this movie, so he didn't haveto wreck a whole Parisian street. Meanwhile, Newt let a Zouwu loose in the French Ministry of Magic and broke a damn ceiling.

11. Abduction

Perpetrators: Queenie, Leta

Since Jacob was enchanted and unable to make up his own mind, his trip to London and engagement to Queenie were both against his will. As for Leta Lestrange, she blames herself for Corvus' death, but she should really be blaming herself for kidnapping baby Credence.

Mashable Top Stories Stay connected with the hottest stories of the day and the latest entertainment news. Sign up for Mashable's Top Stories newsletter By clicking Sign Me Up, you confirm you are 16+ and agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. Thanks for signing up!

10. Assaulting a government animal

Perpetrators: Leta, Zouwu

The French Ministry's ghost cats (matogots) are a point of pride, and Leta attacks one before Newt sets the Zouwu on it.

9. Failure to adhere to travel ban

Perpetrator: Newt

Newt is not allowed to travel internationally, but he does it anyway! Unclear why.

8. Illegal portkey

Perpetrators: Portkey Tout, Newt, Jacob

Not only does Newt leave Great Britain, but he does it by contacting a shady dude who sets up an unauthorized Portkey. At least if he took a ship it'd be one less crime.

7. Illegal entry into a government entity

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

Perpetrators: Abernathy, Newt, and Tina

Not only do Abernathy and Newt enter in disguise, but Newt and Tina lie to gain access to a records room.

6. Violating the International Statue of Secrecy

Perpetrators: Like everybody??

Grindelwald's escape pod flies low against the Hudson, the magical circus explodes, and it leads to a Zouwu just strolling through Paris. Where is the Obliviating rain right now?

5. Magical mind control

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

Perpetrator: Queenie, Corvus Lestrange

Though love potions are not illegal, Queenie appears to have put Jacob under an enchantment similar to the Imperius Curse – a curse so severe that its use merits a life sentence in Azkaban. Corvus Lestrange senior diduse that curse or something similar to effectively kidnap and rape his wife.

4. Impersonating an officer of the law

Perpetrators: Grindelwald, Abernathy, Newt

Grindelwald somehow switches places with Abernathy, who's supposed to be supervising his transfer. Abernathy enters the French Ministry in disguise an old lady, and later on Newt impersonates his brother for the same reason.

3. Attacking an officer of the law

Perpetrators: Grindelwald, Red-haired witch

Grindelwald attacks multiple Aurors during his escape and maims Abernathy. Later in the movie, a character described only as "Red-haired witch" attacks an Auror.

2. Escaping federal custody

Perpetrator: Grindelwald

After the switch and Auror attacks, Grindelwald murders a chupacabra and then finally escapes.

1. Murder

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

Perpetrator: Grindelwald & co., an Auror

Grindelwald's primary crime is repeated murder, from his initial escape to squatting at a Parisian manor (a baby!) and probably for the foreseeable future. The man loves to murder! It's a tougher look on an Auror who is supposed to protect magical citizens – R.I.P. Red-haired witch.

---

Featured Video For You

---

---

Topics Harry Potter

(Editor: {typename type="name"/})